October 4, 1998

to my daughter Allison Rae,

I haven't written to you for a while now. A major change has happened in our lives and it's taken me some time to get to a point where I could write to you at all.

It's been almost a month since you and your mother moved to Arkansas. I still find myself thinking of it in some sort of dream-like state, as if it's not quite real. We have been so close and had so much time together for eleven years, and now you are so far away and I no longer have the luxury of seeing you whenever I want and watching you grow and change day by day.

I thought my heart was just going to break in a million pieces when you guys drove away. I can still see you as you and your mom drove out of the driveway, off on your new adventure. It was so hard.

During those last few weeks before you left, I didn't want to let you know how much I was hurting. I felt that I needed to try to be as positive as I could so you wouldn't feel pulled in two different directions any more than you already were. You were leaving all of your friends and your school... and me; and you were already sad enough about it all. You didn't need to be worrying about my feelings and how I would hold up on top of it all. And worry you would — I know you! So, I have to somehow let you know the truth – that I hated that you were moving away and knew I was going to miss you terribl – without making a bad situation worse.

After you left I was a mess. I became so depressed! I don't think it really hit me until about a week later. I had the worse weekend of my life then. I felt like I was going to cry all weekend long. Friends wanted so bad to help make it all better, but I just didnŐt want to talk to anyone or be around anyone. So I pretty much spent the weekend by myself.

It's slowly gotten better since then. What helps the most is talking to you on the phone. Listening to your voice and hearing you chat away about "whatever" makes it feel like you're not so far away and you're still my loving daughter after all. I don't know if this makes much sense to you as you read it. I just want you to know that I was not happy about this situation and never wanted you to be away from me.

My fear is that there will be moments in your life that you might doubt that and wonder why I didn't fight to keep you with me. The answer is simply that I couldn't see how that would help you at all. It was difficult enough for you. Of course you need both your mom and me in your life, and of course you can come live with me any time, but how could I cause you to suffer more about it all by creating a war with your mother over your custody.

I will miss being there with you as you grow though. Watching as you go through the teenage years, boyfriends, graduations, trials and triumphs. It will be hard to just "hear" about these things. You will be visiting, I know. I can only hope at this point that your mother will be able to keep her promise of sending you to visit regularly. I know she promised you that you could come back every month, but I can only really count on holidays and summers!

You are coming back in a couple weeks for your first visit since moving. You'll probably want to spend a lot of time seeing your friends and I can only hope you and I will get some important time together. It'll be "important" to me anyway. I miss you so. Your hugs, your "I love you's," your sweetness, your laughter and smiles. How can I ever tell you how much I miss you?

Time, my dear, will tell. Who knows what will come next? Sometimes I dream that you come back and live with me. Sometimes I dream that I move closer to you so we see each other often like we have over the years. Who knows if your mom will stay in Arkansas? The whole thing is pretty odd anyway.

At least, I feel much better now, after having talked to you on the phone several times. The best, I think, was one evening when I called (pretty late for you) and you were already in bed but not asleep. It seemed just like I was tucking you in and saying "good night" to you. We didn't even talk long, but it was so sweet and tender. I'm still the luckiest dad, after all, and have the best daughter!

Love you Sweetheart
Dad

 
[ look daddy... maflingos! ]